Wake me up, I've had enough.

Mother’s day is tomorrow.

Taking the time to say how much I miss you.  
I guess I’ve come to terms with you being gone because I have no other choice.  I denied it for so long and it finally hit me that you aren’t coming back.  Some days are worse than others but over all I think I’m okay, or at least I’ve convinced myself that I am.  
I’ll admit sometimes I come home and I’ll think that you’re here and I’ll get so excited because I get to tell you all about my day then I walk inside the house and you aren’t here. Or I’ll wake up and peek into your bedroom and find it empty and it hurts.  It hurts so bad knowing that I will never see your face again, or hug you or hear your sweet voice tell me that you “love me more”.  
Ever since you passed a piece of me has been missing and I know it’ll never be the same without you. 

I’m trying my best to make you proud mommy.   
I love you mom, butterfly kisses. <3 

Had a nightmare last night.. 
My mom killed herself…

Why do I have dreams like this?
I like dreaming, I love it in fact but whenever I dream about my mom it’s always bad. I always know something is wrong, I know she’s sick or I know she isn’t alive.  But this, this dream are you effing kidding me right now? I don’t want to dream anymore if it means that I will be dreaming like this.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  

Random thought.
When I was younger and my mom would be changing the sheets on her bed I remember having a race with her to see who could put the pillow cases on the quickest.  
It’s the little things sometimes that get me.  

2nd Christmas without my mom.  
Ahg.  It sucks that this is how it going to be forever.
She brought so much life into this house especially during this time of year.  I know she is having a blast with all of the other angels in heaven.  Probably getting her belly button pierced or something. d: 

I didn’t even ask my dad if I could stay home from school, he asked me if I wanted to since last night was so terrible.  Awe.  He told me I should decorate the house a bit today to make it more Christmas-y because mom used to decorate the house and this year it is really hitting us that she isn’t here.  Last year we just kind of blocked it out because it was all new and stuff this year is different.  

Day 7: Write about the person that means most to you.

My mother means the most to me,  she taught me everything I know.  She taught me how to write my name, tie my shoes, skip down the street.  Most importantly she taught me how to love, laugh, smile, be me.  My mother was super woman, she did everything.  She was beautiful in every way possible.  She could make everything okay even when everything was the complete opposite.  I used to come home from school and I would call her up at work and tell her about my day.  She would listen to every word I had to say. I miss that, I miss calling her and hearing her voice on the other line, I miss holding her hand, I miss singing with her, I miss hearing her say ” I love you more baby! ” I’m still waiting for the day that she walks through the door with a smile on her face.  I miss you mommy and I love you so much.  Butterfly kisses. <3

My brother’s birthday is today.  He is now 20 years old.  I can’t believe it.  In just a few weeks I’m turning 17.  It’s so weird.  Today isn’t going to feel like his birthday though.  My mom would always make birthdays amazing.  She loved birthdays.  

Mom. 
It’s been 6 months without you.  It feels like forever.  Everyone is telling me it’s going to get better, time will heal everything.. It’s not, this shit sucks.  
I keep waiting for the day where you call, or show up. 
I remember standing in the room while the nurse was here confirming you, I was convinced that you were sleeping that you were going to wake up or that I was sleeping and that it was a terrible dream. 

I am so blessed to say that you are my mom, my best friend, my everything.   
I would like to thank you for everything you did.  Thank you for smiling, thank you for crying. Thank you for teaching me how to tie my shoes and brush my teeth. Thank you for your sense of humor and your laughs. Thank you for teaching me how to not give a shit about what other people think. Thank you for being the strongest woman in my life.  You fought for as long as you could. You are no longer in pain, you are my guardian angel.   I love you. <3 Butterfly kisses sugar pie honey bunch. (: 

last night sucked. 
I get woken up at 11:40. my 19 year old brother is locked out of the house for the second time in the past 2 months.  I go downstairs, my sister tells me to go back to bed because she had already let him in.  I go back upstairs and lay back down, 12 minutes later my phone starts ringing again. It’s my brother calling saying he is locked the eff out.  I start going downstairs and I hear yelling, I turn around and go back upstairs.
I then had a dream about my mom.  It was weird, I was on the phone with one of my friends and I was outside just talking on the phone with her.  We talked for a really long time, I think all night actually.  I go back inside and go into the dining room, my sister, dad and mom were there.   My mom was fine, she was healthy.  I hugged her and asked if she needed anything she said she wanted tea or something from Mcdonalds like she did a few times when she was sick.  I just remember thinking that, that was what she would get when she was sick and I didn’t want to get it for her because she was healthy again.  

I hate waking up, especially from dreams like that.  I thought my mom was here, I thought she was healthy.  This sucks. 

It has been exactly 3 months since my mom passed.  It feels like forever.  
I have already forgotten her voice, I was afraid of that.
My memories of her being healthy are foggy even though she was healthy like 10 months ago.  It all happened so fast.  I miss her so much, I know she is in a better place now and that she is no longer in pain.  I just wish this never happened. 

<3 butterfly kisses sweet pea. 

Just went through my mom’s closet. 
Jeez I remember her wearing some of these things like it was yesterday.. 

Just went on my dad’s facebook page, his relationship status is ‘widowed’.  
I hate this, It’s been months.  It still sucks though.