Wake me up, I've had enough.

We all promised we would be friends even in college and now I don’t exist.  They have replaced me with the people that we hated. 
All I want to do is cry and that’s what I’m doing, I’m crying because I want my friends back so badly.  I love my boyfriend but it would be nice to have my girlfriends back.  It would be so nice to at least say “see ya later” to them while they all leave to go off to college.  God fuck this. FUCK THIS FEELING. Fuck it all. 
This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

Hey Mom,

I did it.  I made it through high school,can I die now. I graduate on Tuesday.  

Mother’s day is tomorrow.

Taking the time to say how much I miss you.  
I guess I’ve come to terms with you being gone because I have no other choice.  I denied it for so long and it finally hit me that you aren’t coming back.  Some days are worse than others but over all I think I’m okay, or at least I’ve convinced myself that I am.  
I’ll admit sometimes I come home and I’ll think that you’re here and I’ll get so excited because I get to tell you all about my day then I walk inside the house and you aren’t here. Or I’ll wake up and peek into your bedroom and find it empty and it hurts.  It hurts so bad knowing that I will never see your face again, or hug you or hear your sweet voice tell me that you “love me more”.  
Ever since you passed a piece of me has been missing and I know it’ll never be the same without you. 

I’m trying my best to make you proud mommy.   
I love you mom, butterfly kisses. <3 

Thinking about this weekend really makes me miss my mom.  She would actually be somewhat interested in what happened, or at least pretend to care.  

Emotions suck, they suck so hard. 

It looks like it’s about to downpour, I wish it would so it can just sing me to sleep.. 

Wompwomppost.  

Moments like this really make me miss my mommy.  
Like exciting things are happening in my life and I know that she would be jumping up and down with me, except here I am alone jumping up and down by myself.  

You think after nearly 2 years I would be used to this…but I’m not, not even close.  
This void is just too much.   

Prom dress shopping

I’m going with my friend and her mom, grandma and sister.  We’re going to Pennsylvania for some reason so that’s why I’m awake at 8 AM on a Saturday.  

My limit is $150.00 and I want a short dress, with lace, lots and lots of lace.  I like lace okay.  
 

Graduation.

Turns out my brother can’t make it to my graduation.
Like it hurts enough that my mom isn’t physically going to be there but the fact that my brother can’t go either just makes it 10 times worse.
Yeah okay my mom is going to be there in spirit it’s just annoying because I won’t be able to hug her after the ceremony, or take pictures with her, or do anything with my mom, my best friend.  It’s been almost 2 years and as life goes on it seems like I need her now more than ever because I have all of these big decisions I need to make for my future.  I just want my mommy back. 
Sitting here complaining about it isn’t going to bring her back and I know this, it just hurts too bad sometimes.  Ever since she died I’ve felt this emptiness within me.  I just want it to go away.   

Had a nightmare last night.. 
My mom killed herself…

Why do I have dreams like this?
I like dreaming, I love it in fact but whenever I dream about my mom it’s always bad. I always know something is wrong, I know she’s sick or I know she isn’t alive.  But this, this dream are you effing kidding me right now? I don’t want to dream anymore if it means that I will be dreaming like this.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  

Random thought.
When I was younger and my mom would be changing the sheets on her bed I remember having a race with her to see who could put the pillow cases on the quickest.  
It’s the little things sometimes that get me.  

2nd Christmas without my mom.  
Ahg.  It sucks that this is how it going to be forever.
She brought so much life into this house especially during this time of year.  I know she is having a blast with all of the other angels in heaven.  Probably getting her belly button pierced or something. d: 

I didn’t even ask my dad if I could stay home from school, he asked me if I wanted to since last night was so terrible.  Awe.  He told me I should decorate the house a bit today to make it more Christmas-y because mom used to decorate the house and this year it is really hitting us that she isn’t here.  Last year we just kind of blocked it out because it was all new and stuff this year is different.  

12 days until Christmas…oops.  Uh yeah, about that.. 
We still have to get our tree and decorate it.  
To be completely honest it isn’t fun without my mom.  She would blast Christmas music and dance around while putting ornaments on the tree.
Last year I was still ‘numb’, still blocking it all out, still not coping..
In the last few weeks it feels like I’ve finally broke down and started to deal with the sad reality of it all.  Dreams, weird feelings are coming over me and I can’t do anything to stop them.  This was a post about Christmas now it’s a post about my feelings…what is this.  

I had a dream that I almost ate a piece of ham….but then I remembered that I am vegan so I can’t eat it.  And my mom was here, and I was sitting in the seat she usually sat in at the kitchen table and she was sitting across from me.  My dad said that she won tickets to like Demi Lovato or something?  Random…some things happened between that conversation and the time I went upstairs.  I went upstairs and he bedroom door was closed….it was weird because in that moment I realized that my mom wasn’t there, she was gone… 

Dreams are really weird.  
Uhg I woke up in the middle of the night/morning thinking that my mom was still here.  Those are the worst dreams.  Thinking that someone is alive when they aren’t.